Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Where I have been and where I am going….

This last year has been hard to say the least and if you follow my blog you know that I have written before about the trials and tribulations my husband Wayne and I have had.

Not so long ago I felt we were at the end of the road….



Too much pain, too much betrayal, just… too much. Then God gave us a huge blessing, Wayne lost his job and neither of us could go anywhere.

I have read what feels like a million books on Forgiveness. Spoke to a wonderful minister that lives two doors down from us more than once, and one theme kept coming up in every book, every talk, you must start forgiveness with forgiving yourself. Myself? What did I do? So I kept reading and oh Lord, forgive me, I did plenty wrong and most of it with such anger! I have had a lot of long hard days and nights trying to wrap my mind around this and I am not even close to being done with this “forgiving yourself first” thing, in fact some days I hate the things I have said or done….and some days I hate the things he has done and said… today was one of those days. After another one of the many talks that are in our future, I feel we are making headway, I feel like we are both being heard…I had no idea it would be so tough…. looking at yourself and your partner with love, understanding, empathy, after hurting each other for way too long.

I always thought in my younger naïve years, this is what life would be most of the time…..silly thought I know, now that I am on the other side of youth.

.couple on sunset

But in reality for me it has been more like this…..


I have struggled with major depression all of my adult life, been on meds and they helped… along with some counseling along the way, but no matter how good life was, that sadness was always in the shadows….waiting. Now I want you all to know this is NOT an excuse for my actions, it is not. It is however how I have looked at life for a very long time now. Most people will be surprised at this, especially people who have known me for a long time because I always seemed to be a pretty happy person, most of the time I exhausted myself with this “happy person” persona. I have made a commitment to myself to change that , and the more I learn, I more I accept, the more I let go of the hurts, the better I will feel. And the better all of my relationships will be.

I have a lot work in front of me, and more professional counseling when we can afford it, after Wayne finds work again, ( God’s time not ours, but Lord, the money is getting tight! ) but we are still here…..together.


I was pretty sure this would never be the way things would work out….so I am looking forward with this image in my head and my heart….


Hopeful and with Wayne and me beside each other to the end of this crazy winding road….

Thanks for listening…:)


Into Vintage said...

Such an honest and heartfelt post. Wishing you all the best. :-)

A Bee In My Bonnet - Leslie Anne said...

Thank you for sharing your heart.

vivian said...

I think youre going to make it just fine.. especially if he is willing to do the same kind of thinking and soul searching that you are doing. Our old paster once did a sermon on love being a choice or an action. and it has always stuck with me, because I dont always FEEL love.. sometimes I just choose to love him regardless.
I hope this summer brings new growth in your marriage and that Wayne will find a job soon. my hubby was with out a job after getting very sick for about a year! he ended up selling a bunch of his antique harley stuff! back to work now. thank god!
anyways.. great post and I hope you have a bright and cheerful day!

Mary said...

ah Sandy...i hate that the real, honest, healing part comes after all the hard junk you have spoken about. but i believe it can come. and it sounds like you both are looking to the one who can make whole the broken pieces.

the thing about this life with God (and it's the life we are created for) is that it can be so hard and painful sometimes, but there can be joy in there at the same time...not necessarily "happy" but a joy that comes from knowing God is working and changing us, and somehow when we let the masks fall away and stop pretending all is well there comes real relief, and hope and a tinge of excitement that there are brighter days ahead...but it takes going through the storm to get to the other side.

grace, peace and love to you two!

Scrap for Joy said...

Dear friend,
I'm sure this post was as hard to write as your struggling journey has been but you have opened your heart and your mind and it sounds as if Wayne is doing the same. Forgiving ourselves is hard to do but it's true that you need to do that to move forward. It sounds like you're getting good counseling and of course with God by your side, there is always the promise of joy. I applaud you for sticking with your journey!
Big hugs!

Ric Rac and Polka Dots said...

I congratulate you for your unselfish sharing of this time in your life. We all have our journey, bumps in the road, and many trials and tribulations to deal with. Sharing with all may touch more lives than you can imagine. Bless you and Wayne on your journey. I believe you will find your way and find happiness as you travel down the road of life. I will pray for both of you.

Andy's Attic said...

Dear Sandy, I am amazed at your courage in sharing such a struggle with blogville. From all indications you and Wayne are on the right track. I hope the bond that comes out of this for you two is tight and solid. I pray you both have courage and strength and love.

NanE said...

Sandy, you are such a brave person, I know it must have taken a lot of courage to put your thoughts into words and then share with all of us. I know at times you must feel so much anger, and I think that's ok, I think it is a part of the healing, just as much as forgiveness. Too often people push their emotions down, and they sit there festering. Hugs and prayers my friend, that you will continue to feel God's presence in both your life and marriage! xxoo Nan

Cindy said...

Listening to your soundtrack..I will stand by you!Beautiful song!!

Of course you are trying to make it with Wayne..he is the love of your life!Just like Walker is matter how much they hurt us..we still see the good in them and we love them deeply..because that is who we are!

I know you still hurt..i read it in your words..but girl you can do this with God's strength..and His arms wrapped around you!

You are such a testimony for many reading this.When we make mistakes God doesn't throw us away..he forgives us and comforts us..We have to do this to the ones we love also.Everytime I get so mad I could break something..God reminds me..recently there are those who's husbands didn't make it thru the bad weather the US has been having..they can't laugh with them anymore..cry with them or even be mad at I start smiling and thank God for my husband..and ask to take this petty anger works!!

Hugs my sweet friend..I am proud of you for posting this!

Lovins from Tx..Cindy from Rick-Rack and Gingham

Mary said...

Many hugs and on going prayer for you and Wayne.

I too know the battle of depression and have dealt with it nearly all my life from one medication to the next. Changing from one happy face mask to the next until they are worn too thin. Although I've not walked the road you're walking.
Always know this....
God is with you every step of the way. And so are your friends.


Hi Sandy,
God's deepest blessing for you BOTH!! A job will be there...

GerryART said...

I've no instant fix for you. Wish I did.
But just know that you are in my heart.

M.L. @ The House of Whimsy said...

What a beautiful heartfelt message, Sandy. Wishing you blessings on your journey.
Mary Lou

Jenny said...

Awwww Sandy. Sending you a giant hug.

Anita Kehn said...

Always for sure is that God gives us strong shoes if we encounter stony paths. Keep looking to HIM for your help and strength.

Jenny's Heart said...

Love ya lady, you know I have been where you are. I'm here when ya need me.

LBP said...

Reading this with tears in my eyes... and sending up prayers for you and Wayne. I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do.



busyascanbe said...

You will find your way, just keep trying and never give up are worth it! said...

Oh, Sandy, my heart hurts for you. I hope that things will work out the way you want them to, and maybe it'll be a bit easier with all of your bloggie friends rooting and praying for you:)

Unknown said...

Sandy...that was an awesome post, it allowed us to know you even deeper. Beautiful and a post that is very close to my own heart. God will provide and the marriage will survive.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sandy! I am finished with the school year and trying to have fun in my craftroom and blog a little bit - so I hadn't popped over to visit you for awhile. I just want to say that this post is very meaningful to me. Thank you for sharing it. You are not alone. I relate to your feelings, and the healing journey you are on. May the Lord continue to comfort you and your dear husband. Hugs, Patti


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